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I know that some women will insist that their search for "professional freedom" is far more worthy than a man's search for "social freedom". I know that some will insist that I should have said "sexual freedom", but sex is just one aspect of a much greater social challenge. It's not just a question of "Who do I want to go to bed with?" More than many women might want to think, it's also a question of "Who do I want to share my life with?"

I know that many women will insist that the family unit is being destroyed, the same thing that many men said years ago about women. I know how intensely emotional both sexes are on the subject of their roles. I suspect this essay will make many people of both sexes very unhappy. We all want a simple solution that favors us. That is not the way of the world.

IN THE MEANTIME...?

What's the "solution" to this problem in our society? Time. The redefinition of male and female roles is going to go on until a societal consensus is reached. It won't be done by law, it will happen of its own accord. The majority of today's middle-aged were people who married when one set of roles still predominated and have divorced or are facing divorce now that another set predominates.

Our middle-aged generation has the fortune and misfortune of being a transitional generation. When the rules of the game change enough, the game changes as well and everyone finds it difficult to adjust. Will it just go on, getting worse and worse? No, I don't think so. There's a younger generation that has witnessed this shift and integrated it into their lives, sometimes very painfully as the children of divorcees. Some will repeat the experience of their parents, but many will approach each other and marriage very differently. The generation following them will take the transition even further.

For those marriages that are in the process of collapse right now, there is little I can suggest. Your situation is unique to the two of you and has gone too far for me to do anything. I am not qualified to be a marriage counselor and have no intention of becoming one. I can only reach out at this site and assure you that you are still the most wonderful thing in all creation: a human being. Whatever your age, whatever your circumstances, you have a life and you have the time to do something constructive with it. My other essays attempt to deal with this as best they can.

However, to those of you whose marriages are still stable, hopefully happy as well, I have a few suggestions for each gender. They aren't original to me, they come from the painful words and experiences of my now-divorced friends. They are generalizations, so accept them as such. They won't fit every individual marriage, but give them a chance. Think them through carefully before rejecting them as irrelevant to your situation.

To women, I would say, it's not just sex. Men are constantly criticized as being driven purely by sexual lust. But if there's another thing that men value highly, it's friendship. Male bonding is a reality and take it from one man, it's a real need we feel, although we may not talk about it very much. We want to "bond" with our marriage partners as well. When that friendship disappears over time, we look elsewhere and real sex is easier and quicker to find than real friendship, so it often substitutes when we're under stress. Thus many divorces "caused" by a man's sexual infidelity have roots in a loss of friendship. If you examine your marriage, think of it from that perspective.

Finally, if you raise this subject with your husband, don't demand an answer on the spot. Don't even say, "Come back to me when you have an answer." We don't communicate the same way you do, give us time. You might be surprised what we'll come up with if we don't feel under pressure.

To men, I would say, open up. Almost every letter I get from a woman on this subject includes the word "suddenly" as in, "suddenly, he told me he was leaving". We don't communicate with women enough. We know that, but it's part of the way we're brought up to be men, to bear unhappiness in silence without "whining". Communication is not whining. Going out, looking for a sexual adventure, may provide some short-term release from the pressure of an unhappy marriage, but it's just another form of whining. If you read my advice to women above, take your wife by surprise. Raise the subject of your friendship with her yourself and it's importance to you now, while it's still healthy or at least has a chance. It can't hurt. It might help.

Finally, I'd like to assume your wife was your friend when you married. If she wasn't, if she was primarily to be a "live-in" sex partner, you have only yourself to blame. Common sense alone should tell you that. If it's not working any longer and you want out of the marriage, be honest with yourself and be gentle on her. If you have children living at home with you, your responsibility is even greater. You made the mistake, not them. Before you walk out on them, sit down and talk seriously with yourself. Two wrongs will not make a right.

I know one thing for sure. If I say nothing more, I will receive e-mail from men whose wives are the ones having the midlife crisis, men who are trying to save their marriages or who failed and are recovering from a divorce. You're right, it's not just a matter of men leaving women. Such is gender equality in the 21st century. I can only hope that some of the remarks above, taken in the context of your situation, will be of help as well.

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