A LETTER RECEIVED

I recently received this letter from a visitor to the site. It's similar to many I receive, but it does an especially good job of raising questions, providing more examples than most. The letter has been edited to remove any details identifying the individual who wrote to protect her privacy, but in this in no way detracts from the letter's basic points. This essay runs two pages, unlike the others. My apologies, but the topic required it.

"It seems the men in my overall family take flight from their marriages, have affairs, think completely differently from what they did a few years earlier. For example, (1) my dad, good father, decent husband......turned 55 and had continuous long-lasting affairs. (Mom knew about it. but tolerated it and wouldn't divorce him and he wouldn't leave her); (2) my cousin - a religious man, turned 51, walked in one day and said he was leaving my aunt for another woman. No notice, no signs, just BAM!; (3) my brother-in-law did the same thing, though he and his wife had the 'perfect' marriage of 32 years. He turned 57, divorcing my sister AND his family, even his dog.

"My husband has just turned 47. If he turns on and tunes out like we did in the 60's and 70's, I won't be as devastated as my female relatives because I'm not dependent upon him financially or emotionally like they are. I hear about male menopause but according to the articles, it has to do with impotence. These guys aren't impotent; in fact, they're the opposite. Do men need to go to a proctologist in middle age to find where their heads are? These are (were) smart, family-oriented, caring men who blew out the candles and went into personality disorder warp drive. What gives?"

A REACTION

I will do my best to provide one answer of many possible answers to this question. This site is meant to be "inspirational", but I can't ignore the e-mail that comes in on this topic. I feel I have to say something and I hope it will be constructive. First, I want you to know that I am unmarried and have never been married. During the period when marriage was a real concern of mine, my work in global humanitarian relief kept me constantly on the road visiting and revisiting more than 30 nations on five continents for periods rarely exceeding a year and often a matter of weeks or months. I couldn't start a family and keep up this work, so I had to make a choice and I did. However, I have had many, many friends who have passed through this kind of "midlife crisis" and, being a single male, many of them, particularly my male friends, shared their reasons and their pain with me. Over time, it has led me to certain conclusions. You can judge whether they're relevant to you, if you're facing this situation.

IN THE BEGINNING...

Not so many years ago, men and women had "roles" to play. These roles offered security, but they also placed restrictions on each sex. Generally, women were to remain at home raising children and running the household. Generally, men were expected to be successful income-producers and "providers" to their families. Divorce was difficult and frowned upon. A divorced woman had difficulty finding a new partner as she was often viewed as somehow being "deficient", or why was she divorced? A divorced man's maturity was suspect and he could find his professional career advancement threatened. There were many other problems as well. If you lived through this period, you know what I mean.

The world changed. Educational levels rose, as did expectations and the need for additional family income. Married women, including those with children, entered the workforce in ever-increasing numbers. The women's movement was inevitable and it finally arrived. No, it's not the "problem". It was necessary and it's done a lot of good, but it challenged the traditional role of the male as much as the female, if less obviously so.

Many women examined their assigned roles and said, "This is no longer acceptable. We want choices." Some men opposed it and many looked on in confusion, trying to figure out what it meant for them. Over time, most have accepted the demands made by women and have readjusted their attitudes or at least moved in that direction. Problems still remain, but anyone over 40 can remember a time when things were much worse.

However, women are part of human society, not a separate society. The women's movement may have been inevitable, but it did not arrive in a vacuum. Men had little choice but to re-examine their own roles as well. For whatever reason, biological or sociological, they did it differently than women. They didn't form a "movement", they didn't discuss it openly, but they gave it more serious attention than women might have guessed. Because they were less public, women weren't as aware of what was happening on the "other side of the gender gap".

Men have examined their assigned roles and said, "Women insist they have a right to control their own bodies and to chart their own futures. They're right, but that's the way it should work for us too." As there were men taken by surprise by the women's movement some years ago, there are many women today taken by surprise by men's reactions that sound very much like their own. Some have the same negative reaction some men had in the 70's. When both partners insist on being the ultimate authority for their own lives, they may have justice on their side, but they may forget they're "partners". Married or unmarried, once you and your partner aren't "partners", you're facing trouble.

So what do you do about it?

Go on to the final page

To download a free copy of the full essay, click here